Saturday, November 5, 2016
You don't understand loneliness!
Someone recently accused me of not understanding what loneliness is. And to my own surprise, I took a little bit of offence in that statement. Well, of course I know what loneliness is! I am the queen of that kingdom, afterall!
I have been thinking about this subject for quite a few months now. And I realized that I have technically been lonely all of my adult life. I have never been in a real relationship, never felt that connection with anyone and never felt that sense of belonging. But it is only now that I truly understand loneliness. Earlier, not having a significant other in my life made me independent, self reliant and strong. It taught me not to expect anything from others. But over the years, the feeling has transformed, it has now grown to become an intrinsic part of me and it has situated itself firmly in life. I am 26 years old, and I am lonely. And I have no shame in that. To some extent, I am glad that I went through my formative years alone because it helped me explore myself and build my own world.
What I feel now, however, is the killer. I keep coming across these posts on social media - “Do not be afraid to walk alone”, “Learn to love yourself before you can love someone else”, yadi yadi yada. Well, guess what? They are all full of shit! Here’s a piece of information for you, I am NOT afraid to walk alone! I have walked alone all my life and I’d say I’ve gotten pretty good at that. Thanks, anyway. Is it a sin to want someone to hold my hand and walk with me? Is it that big a deal if I want someone to take my hand and take me to a place I have never been to? I have walked alone enough and seen the world! Now, I want to walk with someone and explore a world of our own! Why is it a difficult thing to understand? I do love myself, I am awesome! All these years of having extra time on my plate must have helped me in some self development, don’t you think? Now, can we move on and address the fact I still don’t have someone to love me? Or at least can I freely express that I want love in my life? Bah! Such posts infuriate me.
I am sitting here in my balcony, cool breeze flowing, the view from here is spectacular, I can see the sunset sky in all its exuberance. I have a hot cup of ginger tea and some Diwali homemade snack to go with it. I have just returned from a tiring but satisfying day at my well paying job. And I am sitting here in the balcony of my beautiful home and I am writing this article. Am I happy? YES! Am I content with what I have achieved? YES! Am I lonely? Why, YES! Loneliness isn’t a disorder. It doesn’t imply being sad or depressed. Yes, it is painful and sometimes excruciatingly so. But it isn’t something that can be ‘dealt with’, it is just an intensified feeling of longing. They say being in love is a feeling – loneliness is just like that – only the complete opposite. It is just always there – eating at you, nagging you and making you realize its presence.
Loneliness, best described, is a constant feeling of incompleteness. Whatever you do, it will not go away. You would think that you can drown yourself in work to get rid of it. No, my friend, after a whole day of hard work, when you come to your bed, you will feel that familiar pang of not having anyone to take care of you. So, you will decide to leave your work at your office and distract yourself with your hobbies. Well, guess what, it’ll follow you there. You will feel the need to share that moment of euphoria that of achieving something good. You will want to show your work/accomplishment to that someone and you would want appreciation/feedback for it. Not the appreciation that you get from friends, family or the social media, but that special someone. The loneliness persists when you go on trips or hang out with friends. You will be having an amazing time, but ever so slightly, at the back of your head, you would be missing that invisible hand holding yours. A few weeks ago, I was camping in Joshua Tree, stargazing. When the night sky fell and all of us were sitting by the bonfire, I was amazed at the sheer beauty and magnificence of this world. And in that moment, I just wanted to share that wonder with someone. Whenever you see something beautiful, you feel immensely happy and lonely. Because you wish you could witness that beauty with someone. When you are sad, you feel the absence of someone who can truly assure you. When you are angry, you want to let it out in front of someone or you want someone to calm you down. When you feel excited and crazy, you want to go mad with that person and goof around. In short, whatever you are feeling, you are also feeling that big void like a lump in throat.
Now, loneliness cannot be equated to lack of love in one’s life. I have been blessed with a loving family – people that I can trust with my life and rely on for anything under the sun. I also have a close knit set of friends – friends that would be by my side in my time of need – friends that truly love me. So, I get enough love and care. And I am grateful for it. But, this is worlds different from what I am talking about. It is about being able to call someone mine. And being able to dedicate myself to them. For clarity, I am not particularly talking about true love here – as I am not sure it exists. But it is the lack of a familiarity in your life that keeps eating at you. It feels as if you are drifting through life. You have no anchor. There is nothing to bring you home. There is no home. All there is in your life is this continuous plasma of emptiness. You feel unstable, explosive and stranded. You feel as if you are withering away, slowly, and no one sees it. You realize you have so much to give, so much love to dissipate but no outlet for it. And that makes you mercurial at times – as if you will soon burst into pieces. Yes, it gets very painful and upsetting at times. But the rest of the times, it is just there sticking on to you like a leech – you know it is there and you can’t get it off, so you just learn to live with it.
It is funny how so many people feel this way and yet very few actually talk about it. I do not really understand why there is this stigma attached to this subject. Oh and then, the awkwardness worsens when the topic steers to sexual frustration. Of course, there is sexual aspect to it! Every human being craves intimacy. I think being able give yourself up completely to another person is one of the most beautiful bonds two hearts can share. I obviously want a man to celebrate and respect my sexuality. I want to explore a world of passion and wanting with him. And I do not think I should be ashamed of this desire and suppress it. What is wrong in wanting that level of physical intimacy? We are sexual beings and there is no point in shying away from a process so natural and innate. Why are people afraid to accept that these feelings exist? Why do people feel that they cannot talk about such things? Loneliness and sexual frustration are real! Face it!
Some people tell me I should stay away from social media because looking at others having fun with their partners might upset me more. Some tell me that I am troubled because my parents want me to get married. But these are not the reasons – they might just triggers that intensify the loneliness a bit more. But nothing else. They are NOT the reason I feel lonely. I feel lonely because I AM lonely. People try to give me advice or try to sympathize with me. But the truth of the matter is that they cannot do or say anything that would eradicate this feeling. A loving hug sometimes helps, but it does in no way make me feel less lonely. I do not need to be “fixed”. I am perfectly fine and well functioning in my life. I will continue to feel this way until I find someone and that is fine. I am not cribbing or complaining.
My purpose for writing this article is not to give advice or expound on this subject. All I want to do here to make others like me realize that they are not alone. And explain this feeling to the ones who deny it. This is a serious subject, but it isn’t melancholy. I am living my life, happily and so should everyone else – lonely or otherwise. Just because you are lonely doesn’t mean you will not find someone. There are plenty people out there – I would like to think one of them is good enough for me. And if not, well, I already know how to walk alone!
I have been thinking about this subject for quite a few months now. And I realized that I have technically been lonely all of my adult life. I have never been in a real relationship, never felt that connection with anyone and never felt that sense of belonging. But it is only now that I truly understand loneliness. Earlier, not having a significant other in my life made me independent, self reliant and strong. It taught me not to expect anything from others. But over the years, the feeling has transformed, it has now grown to become an intrinsic part of me and it has situated itself firmly in life. I am 26 years old, and I am lonely. And I have no shame in that. To some extent, I am glad that I went through my formative years alone because it helped me explore myself and build my own world.
What I feel now, however, is the killer. I keep coming across these posts on social media - “Do not be afraid to walk alone”, “Learn to love yourself before you can love someone else”, yadi yadi yada. Well, guess what? They are all full of shit! Here’s a piece of information for you, I am NOT afraid to walk alone! I have walked alone all my life and I’d say I’ve gotten pretty good at that. Thanks, anyway. Is it a sin to want someone to hold my hand and walk with me? Is it that big a deal if I want someone to take my hand and take me to a place I have never been to? I have walked alone enough and seen the world! Now, I want to walk with someone and explore a world of our own! Why is it a difficult thing to understand? I do love myself, I am awesome! All these years of having extra time on my plate must have helped me in some self development, don’t you think? Now, can we move on and address the fact I still don’t have someone to love me? Or at least can I freely express that I want love in my life? Bah! Such posts infuriate me.
I am sitting here in my balcony, cool breeze flowing, the view from here is spectacular, I can see the sunset sky in all its exuberance. I have a hot cup of ginger tea and some Diwali homemade snack to go with it. I have just returned from a tiring but satisfying day at my well paying job. And I am sitting here in the balcony of my beautiful home and I am writing this article. Am I happy? YES! Am I content with what I have achieved? YES! Am I lonely? Why, YES! Loneliness isn’t a disorder. It doesn’t imply being sad or depressed. Yes, it is painful and sometimes excruciatingly so. But it isn’t something that can be ‘dealt with’, it is just an intensified feeling of longing. They say being in love is a feeling – loneliness is just like that – only the complete opposite. It is just always there – eating at you, nagging you and making you realize its presence.
Loneliness, best described, is a constant feeling of incompleteness. Whatever you do, it will not go away. You would think that you can drown yourself in work to get rid of it. No, my friend, after a whole day of hard work, when you come to your bed, you will feel that familiar pang of not having anyone to take care of you. So, you will decide to leave your work at your office and distract yourself with your hobbies. Well, guess what, it’ll follow you there. You will feel the need to share that moment of euphoria that of achieving something good. You will want to show your work/accomplishment to that someone and you would want appreciation/feedback for it. Not the appreciation that you get from friends, family or the social media, but that special someone. The loneliness persists when you go on trips or hang out with friends. You will be having an amazing time, but ever so slightly, at the back of your head, you would be missing that invisible hand holding yours. A few weeks ago, I was camping in Joshua Tree, stargazing. When the night sky fell and all of us were sitting by the bonfire, I was amazed at the sheer beauty and magnificence of this world. And in that moment, I just wanted to share that wonder with someone. Whenever you see something beautiful, you feel immensely happy and lonely. Because you wish you could witness that beauty with someone. When you are sad, you feel the absence of someone who can truly assure you. When you are angry, you want to let it out in front of someone or you want someone to calm you down. When you feel excited and crazy, you want to go mad with that person and goof around. In short, whatever you are feeling, you are also feeling that big void like a lump in throat.
Now, loneliness cannot be equated to lack of love in one’s life. I have been blessed with a loving family – people that I can trust with my life and rely on for anything under the sun. I also have a close knit set of friends – friends that would be by my side in my time of need – friends that truly love me. So, I get enough love and care. And I am grateful for it. But, this is worlds different from what I am talking about. It is about being able to call someone mine. And being able to dedicate myself to them. For clarity, I am not particularly talking about true love here – as I am not sure it exists. But it is the lack of a familiarity in your life that keeps eating at you. It feels as if you are drifting through life. You have no anchor. There is nothing to bring you home. There is no home. All there is in your life is this continuous plasma of emptiness. You feel unstable, explosive and stranded. You feel as if you are withering away, slowly, and no one sees it. You realize you have so much to give, so much love to dissipate but no outlet for it. And that makes you mercurial at times – as if you will soon burst into pieces. Yes, it gets very painful and upsetting at times. But the rest of the times, it is just there sticking on to you like a leech – you know it is there and you can’t get it off, so you just learn to live with it.
It is funny how so many people feel this way and yet very few actually talk about it. I do not really understand why there is this stigma attached to this subject. Oh and then, the awkwardness worsens when the topic steers to sexual frustration. Of course, there is sexual aspect to it! Every human being craves intimacy. I think being able give yourself up completely to another person is one of the most beautiful bonds two hearts can share. I obviously want a man to celebrate and respect my sexuality. I want to explore a world of passion and wanting with him. And I do not think I should be ashamed of this desire and suppress it. What is wrong in wanting that level of physical intimacy? We are sexual beings and there is no point in shying away from a process so natural and innate. Why are people afraid to accept that these feelings exist? Why do people feel that they cannot talk about such things? Loneliness and sexual frustration are real! Face it!
Some people tell me I should stay away from social media because looking at others having fun with their partners might upset me more. Some tell me that I am troubled because my parents want me to get married. But these are not the reasons – they might just triggers that intensify the loneliness a bit more. But nothing else. They are NOT the reason I feel lonely. I feel lonely because I AM lonely. People try to give me advice or try to sympathize with me. But the truth of the matter is that they cannot do or say anything that would eradicate this feeling. A loving hug sometimes helps, but it does in no way make me feel less lonely. I do not need to be “fixed”. I am perfectly fine and well functioning in my life. I will continue to feel this way until I find someone and that is fine. I am not cribbing or complaining.
My purpose for writing this article is not to give advice or expound on this subject. All I want to do here to make others like me realize that they are not alone. And explain this feeling to the ones who deny it. This is a serious subject, but it isn’t melancholy. I am living my life, happily and so should everyone else – lonely or otherwise. Just because you are lonely doesn’t mean you will not find someone. There are plenty people out there – I would like to think one of them is good enough for me. And if not, well, I already know how to walk alone!
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